“After All I’ve Done For You”
The relationship between parent and child is unique, and if we are being perfectly honest, everyone has made mistakes on both ends of this relationship. Every parent has regrets about some parenting decisions or moments when they have lost their temper. Once grown, many children in healthy families look back on their younger rebellious days and cringe to think of some of the things they said to their parents. Unfortunately, within our culture we may have some assumptions that we have accepted uncritically about what is to be expected of children. Sometimes we struggle to find the line between acceptable parenting and some sort of emotional manipulation. An example that quickly comes to mind is some variation of the phrase “after all I’ve done for you.”
On the one hand, this can be a sort of call for teamwork, even empathy. If a child is being tremendously selfish, refusing to help with anything in the house while their parents work thanklessly to give them a good life, this phrase makes sense. “How can you treat me like this after all I’ve done for you?” It may not be perfect, but it is reflective of a very real feeling that parents have. It is hard to make sacrifices without any recognition. Even the best intentioned people wear down over time. It is an affront to our own sense of self-worth. How can we continue to selflessly give to others who don’t even seem to know or care about what we do for them? We can only give so much of ourselves before we need to be filled up again.
However, even with good intentions, this phrase can impact a child as emotional manipulation. This can have some pretty drastic consequences. Of course, it is a sort of coercion to get someone to do something, which they may not want to do. But it isn’t simply forcing them to behave, it is forcing them to want to behave. Using their own feelings of guilt and shame to align them with the interests of the parent. Walking away from this, a child may feel an unhealthy sense of dependence, a surrender of personal identity and interests. Furthermore, it may lead them to question whether their parents love them unconditionally. The phrase suggests the expectation of an even exchange. “After all I have done for you, you should do something for me.” It reduces parent-child relationships to a market exchange, where all the sacrifices a parent makes for their child become investments so that the child will make similar sacrifices in the future for them.
To be clear, I don’t think the consequences are this dire every time the phrase is used. Though depending on the mental health of the person receiving this message, it may be more or less impactful every time. For the most part, saying things like this doesn’t permanently destroy relationships, but the continuous use of this phrase and the accompanying way of thinking can have a significant impact. Is demanding that children work for us the way we want worth leading them to believe that our love is not a gift, but a payment?
In Micah 6:1-8, God uses similar language to talk to the people of Israel. God lists the divine actions taken on behalf of Israel, demanding that they answer for their disloyalty. This puts the people in a tricky position. What can they do to make up for what God has done for them? When I was a kid, if I needed to appease my parents, I would mow the lawn, put away the dishes, or clean my room. Of course, these little chores weren’t nearly equal to feeding, housing, and taking care of me my entire childhood and beyond, but at least I knew what to do. Taking care of chores around the house would make their lives easier. It would let them know that I am at least trying to be a team player. But what can one do for God?
God doesn’t need the lawn mowed or the dishes put away. Cleaning the house doesn’t make God’s life easier. Is there a sufficient number of sacrifices one could offer to make up for all that God has done and cover all their sin? Unfortunately, if God were to decide to come and collect on all that God had done for us, we would probably be in a similarly difficult situation. There is nothing we can do to make it up to God. We wouldn’t even know where to start. The task would be entirely too great.
There is something genuinely horrifying about God making this argument here. If that is within God’s imagination, God could hold up God’s tremendous works throughout salvation history and leave us helpless. If God demanded equal sacrifice from us to account for God’s sacrifices on our behalf, we would be lost. If God demands that we love God as much or as well as God loves us, then God’s love itself becomes a stumbling block for us. We are left desperately grasping for a way to satisfy God’s requirements of us.
Micah gives the answer. We are to do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with God. This doesn’t diminish the challenge of the task. Doing justice perfectly is only possible with the gift of the Holy Spirit, and even with that guidance, we will still fail. We require the grace of God on us to even take up the task faithfully, but though this may not comfort us, there is something else remarkable about this requirement.
Generally, when parents talk to their children like this, they are demanding that their children do something for them. They want payment to be made to their own account. They want the house cleaned. They want some work done. They are calling in a favor. At the very least, they want to be given gratitude. However, this isn’t what God is asking for. God isn’t demanding payment for God’s love. Rather, God is expecting that love to spread. Justice and kindness aren’t things we do for God directly. Praise and worship are for God; justice and kindness are for our neighbor. God isn’t anxiously, desperately, or selfishly demanding that humans pay God back for all God has done. God continues to offer free gifts of love and mercy with the only expectation that we learn from God’s love and mercy, go, and do likewise.
